Recently, on a website that shall not be named, I was (searches for good wording) set upon and targeted by what I can only describe as misdirected vitriol.
Before I go into details, I should point out that most people who know me use words like “kind”, “understanding”, “a listener” amongst others to describe me. Also: open-minded, LGBTQIA+ community member and advocate, lefty politics, open to discussion etc. So, while I make no claims to be perfect, I do try bloody hard to be a good person. Anyway…
The initial poster stated that men should stop apologising for those men that are bad actors towards women and call them out on their words and behaviour instead.
I responded that I do both i.e. while I do apologise for the behaviour of some of my fellow men (typically those for whom the anonymity of online makes them feel like they can say anything to a woman, no matter how offensive), I also often call them out on it. I’m always initially polite, pointing out what they might want to think about what they said and that they owe an apology or three. My response can get more confrontational if they ‘double down’ and get angry and try and justify themselves.
I was told that I should stop doing the former by one responder.
I tried to explain what I see as the merits in doing both (in an attempt to start a discussion and possible learning experience for me), and that I wasn’t virtue-signalling by joining in the thread. I tried to assure my attackers – for such they were by this point – that I wasn’t trying to play the “not all men” card because, while the words are factually accurate, they are useless and suck all the oxygen from the room. My wife made me understand this many years ago by using the “Poisonous M&M” analogy i.e. a bowl of sweets that all look the same, but one (or more) of them are poisonous, how are you supposed to know which is which? Does that analogy make sense?
Things went downhill even further after that. I was accused of “wanting a prize” for my actions. Another responder went back through many of my posts on the site and compiled a list of my perceived “wrongs” and explained them to me.
It had become obvious to me that further discussion was absolutely pointless, so I blocked the original poster, which hid the madness from my timeline. I am told – by a “takes no shit from anyone” friend whose judgement and opinions I value very highly (she’s sanity-checked me on this) – that the vitriol went on after I blocked and left.
Who does this mindless vitriol, this all-out attacking – on an ally of all people – serve? It is entirely misdirected and, in my opinion, gives the BadMen in the world more fuel for their personal list-of-‘grievances’ fire.
I am not virtue-signalling when I call out a fellow man who is being a bad actor – typically towards women – but (thinks back to Air Force leadership training) trying to lead by example.
We had a phrase for people who always obstruct anything, under any circumstances:
“Can’t lead. Won’t follow. Refuses to get out of the way.”
/Rant
Header image by Brett Jordan via Pexels.
Having seen that unfold online was really sad, and angry making. I apologise on behalf of my gender for the disgusting behaviour you experienced.
One of my most used mantras is “be the example you want to see in the world”. Personally, while I’m angry about certain things, being angry and degrading Internet strangers is not the example I wish to be. Block, delete and move on.
Thank you, my friend… also for your support and sanity-checking me.