Or, how I realized I hate that phrase.
Friends with benefits (FWB)?
May I presume to assume that we all know the generally-accepted definition of FWB? No? Well, I’m not sure I can put it any more succinctly than Wiki, which has this to say on the subject: “Friends with benefits most specifically refers to friends with benefits relationships, meaning otherwise platonic friends who engage in casual sexual relationships with each other…”
I quite like this particular phrase for it’s accuracy. I have had several such relationships during my fairly long (I’m 63 at the time of writing this) and somewhat interesting life. They were fulfilling for all involved. Usually at times when none of us had the time nor inclination for a more traditional relationship and the relationship escalator* they typically impose.
Friends without benefits (FWOB)?
Let me describe a different sort of relationship – I am currently in several of these – that is harder to label.
What if two (or more) people are emotionally close – intimate even – may even have exchanged “I love you.”, but are otherwise platonic i.e. they aren’t in any kind of sexual relationship. I don’t feel that I’m describing this sort pf relationship clearly. In fact, I’m struggling. I mean, these people might be comfortable enough in their relationship to flirt and tease, with no intent for it to go any further than words on screen or in person.
I suppose we might say they love, but are not in love with the other.
Some would use the label** Friends Without Benefits (FWOB). I do not. I hate FWOB. Why? Because the benefit is that I am in a relationship with a fucking amazing human being!
“Just Friends”
If you’ll excuse me for a moment… fuck that!
Just? Good friendships are wonderful. There’s nothing “just” about them! Grrr! I may actually dislike this even more than FWOB.
So… what would you call the type of relationship I am struggling to describe?
* Author Amy Gahran coined the term relationship escalator to refer to this idea, which is also the topic of her book. Escalators are useful things, but they have limitations: you can’t stop, turn around, get off halfway, or tie your shoelaces without risk of losing a finger.
** I find labels useful as a way of starting a conversation. I don’t like it when they’re restrictive. People change. People are different. People and relationships are complicated.
Header image by Fauxels via Pexels.
